The "Doctor" Fish Are In (and Lara Flynn Boyle Can Suck 'Em!)

The St. Regis Singapore

So, we’re here in Singapore and my first impression is “Wow!  This place is humid!”  The second is “Wow!  This place is spotless!” (Unnervingly so, actually...)  You know the expression “The place was so clean, you could’ve eaten off the floor?”  It’s true of everywhere in Singapore; from the bathroom in Customs to the pavement along Orchard Road.  We are staying at the St. Regis Singapore.  It’s very St. Regis, and very Singapore.  Actually, it’s quite lovely, but more on the St. Reeg after we’ve departed (we’ve got another night…).

What I really cannot wait to tell y’all is about this spa treatment that was simultaneously the coolest and weirdest I’ve ever experienced.  It was 10:30 in the morning; so naturally, Jacob was looking for a liquor store.  We walked over to the Tanglin Shopping Centre, and since the wine shop wasn’t going to be open for another half-hour, we journeyed further, and came across the Kenko Reflexology Fish Spa.  Immediately, I stopped in my tracks.

Here’s the back-story…  One night, while watching Ugly Betty, I saw Wilhelmina (played by the beautiful Vanessa Williams) get a progressive pedicure involving these little fish that eat all of the dead skin on your feet.  Actually, I thought it was made-up for the show by the writers.  Then, a couple of years later, I read about a spa in Downtown Las Vegas that was using these “doctor” fish they’d imported from Turkey, and had been shut-down by the Health Department as a result.  Always on the look-out for ways of softening my tootsies, I found that the procedure is only legal in a few states in the US.  Damn!

So, when I saw “Fish Spa” I shrieked with glee.  Jacob, well used to my quirks and peccadilloes, just shrugged and followed along.  When we got inside, I confirmed that this was the process wherein the little fish nibble away at the dead skin cells.  I was also informed that they promote blood circulation, ease psoriasis and minor eczema, lighten scar tissue, relieve stress and soften skin.  Jacob looked at me like I was nuts (something that I am well used to), but decided to give it the benefit of the doubt.

The fish come in three sizes – small, medium and large (or, in Starbuckian, tall, grande, and venti).  You sit on a bench in front of the appropriate tank (the water is changed daily) and stick your feet in, after they’ve been spritzed with white wine vinegar and rinsed off.  The small fish tend to tickle.  A lot!  The medium fish elicit an almost electrical current that’s not at all unpleasant.  The big fish feel like they are giving you these little pokes.  The process takes 45 minutes.  I was so caught-up in the treatment that I bought a 15-minute add-on, for my elbows.  The results are amazing.  Everything is soft, callous-free, and refreshingly tingly.

Fish Bath at Kenko Reflexology Fish Spa

Over coffee, at breakfast, this morning, Jake looked at me and asked what I was thinking about.  I said it was nothing.  He looked at me again, and said “You are thinking about going back to the Fish Spa, aren’t you?  You want the whole-body treatment!”  Am I that transparent?  Well, apparently I am.  So, back I went, and I bought the 45 minute full-body (actually it’s everything below the neck) Fish Bath.  I was shown into a tranquil treatment room with a private shower, a wooden staircase and a nice raised bath that was filled with the fish (mostly small, with a few medium).  Jacob spritzed me with the vinegar solution, and I rinsed-off in the shower, before climbing-in to the tub.

It was at once creepy and exciting.  Those little suckers go everywhere…  From your underarm to your cuticles to your inner thighs, those fish eat every fleck of dried skin from your body, and it’s not at all unpleasant.  Of course, having researched the species and knowing that they do not eat live flesh, helped significantly…  Now, I’m as soft as the proverbial baby’s bottom, from toe to taint and neck to knee.  And you know what?  I say Lara Flynn Boyle can take her ass-bleaching strips and kiss my “doctor” fish!