Lisa Lampanelli Gets into It (Part Two of Two)

One of my favorite comedians, the hysterically funny (and outrageously foul) insult comic, Lisa Lampanelli, (aka "Comedy’s Loveable Queen of Mean"), is appearing in concert at the Pearl Concert Theater at Palms Casino Resort on Saturday, February 13th.  I was fortunate to get a chance to speak at length with this comedic force of nature, and pick her brain about subjects ranging from dealing with music and romance, to gay marriage and roasting tips.

Here is Part Two of our two-part interview.  Enjoy!

ShulmanSays:  You’re in a relationship, now (with “Jimmy Big Balls”).  What do you look for in a relationship?
Lisa Lampanelli:  In my book, I talk about liking the bad boys, and edgy types and stuff.  Then I took a year-and-a-half off of dating, and I was like “Let me really see what I should be dating, and what’s nice.”  So I started to get a little self-esteem (as much as any comic can have) and I was like “I really want a nice guy!  How can I get sexually attracted to a nice guy?”  And I thought that I was gonna have to compromise and get a guy who didn’t turn me on that much, but is just really sweet – because I deserve a sweet person.

But I got lucky!  I got a guy who looks scary to everybody (which I fuckin’ love).  I’m with somebody who looks like he’s a member of the Gambino crime family.  And it ends-up he’s really nice at heart, and a good person, and he vacuums.  I mean, I bought him a fucking vacuum, last week!  Seriously, we just sucked the air out of some Space Bags – and I don’t mean that in a sexual way.  But he’s just a good person, and that’s the kind of guy I’m attracted to, now.

But, years ago, of course, it was thugs who looked like they might punch me in the face.

SS:  Who are your favorite musical artists?
LL:  You know, I’m a big fag show tune lover!  So, gimme the soundtrack from Hairspray or Grease, or even things like Anything Goes, and I’m really into it.  I’m not into a ton of music, but my playlist is very eclectic.  Like, I’ll listen to the Backstreet Boys, and then I’ll listen to a song by Cream or The Beatles or whatever.  So, I just like everything.  Anything that’s just kinda decent, I’ll listen to.  Even something shit, I’ll listen to – if it just gets me going.  I’ll be like “Oh my God!  What a cute message in that song by ‘NSYNC!”  NnnnnSync…  Apostrophe en-es-why-en-see…  What the fuck is that about?

SS:  How does Lisa Lampanelli relax?
LL:  I don’t.  That’s my problem.  I don’t – at all.  Even if I have a full day off (where it supposedly looks like I have nothing to do) I’ll create enough drama about my wedding or about my apartment renovation or something to spoil my whole day.  I cannot relax.  I mean, I was at the shrink talking about it, today.  I was like “I just create shit.”  And he was all “You don’t just sit back and enjoy what you have, and you have so much...”  And I’m like “Fuck you, Jew.  You want another $200 for that?”  So, I don’t relax.  Doesn’t happen.  Can’t happen, ever!

SS:  Do you have a signature cocktail?
LL:  I don’t drink.  I’m not even a dirty alcky!  We just don’t drink.  I never liked the taste of booze.  So, when I go out, I’ll have – you’re gonna laugh – I’ll drink a Shirley Temple.  Okay?  That’s how cute I am, alright fucker!

SS:  Hey!  Be nice...  I’ve got drinks named after me at bars on two continents!
LL:  Uh, that’s because you’re a drunk.

SS:  Ha!  At this point I'm mostly drinking iced tea and bottled water.
LL:  Aren’t we just great because we have no addictions besides men and food?

SS:  I know.  Speaking of which, I’m engaged, now!
LL:  Oh yay!  When are the nuptials?

SS:  Well, it was gonna be October 10th, 2010 – so no matter how scatterbrained we might be, we’d always remember our anniversary – but then New York voted against gay marriage...
LL:  Aaargh…  Fucking straighties!

SS:  Yup.  You know...  The Mormons – they came in force and it sucked (and not in the good way).
LL:  So, can’t you go up to Vermont or to Hawaii or something?

SS:  Well, we’re considering Hawaii, but we live in Nevada, so we’re gonna get domestically partnered, here.  Then we’ll just wait for the trickle-down thing to happen on the Federal level.  I figure, once they legalize the pot, gay marriage can’t be far behind.
LL:  I think more people would rather get stoned than picture two fags fucking.

SS:  Including half of my gay friends!
LL:  (laughs) Good point.

SS:  What advice would you give to amateur roasters?
LL:  Work on it.  Spend time on it.  It’s so obvious watching the roasts on TV, which comics spend a month preparing (like I do), and which ones just throw something together and say “Oh, I’m just naturally funny.”  You know what?  You’re not.  There’s a real art to it.  You’ve gotta have a script with a beginning, middle and end.  You’ve gotta have that really nice and sincere ending (which nobody seems to have, but me – because I’m, like, the best).  So, here’s my advice to them: Don’t even try it.  It’s too hard for you.  You’re not even smart enough!

Lisa Lampanelli in concert
Saturday, February 13th at 8pm
Pearl Concert Theater at Palms Casino Resort

Get into it!