Lisa Lampanelli Gets into It (Part One of Two)

One of my favorite comedians, the hysterically funny (and outrageously foul) insult comic, Lisa Lampanelli, (aka "Comedy’s Loveable Queen of Mean") is appearing in concert at the Pearl Concert Theater at Palms Casino Resort on Saturday, February 13th.  I was fortunate to get a chance to speak at length with this comedic force of nature, and pick her brain about subjects ranging from dealing with hecklers and romance, to gay marriage and roasting tips.

Here is Part One of our two-part interview.  Enjoy!

ShulmanSays: Was there any part of the writing process (for your upcoming book Chocolate, Please: My Adventures in Food, Fat and Freaks) that you preferred to performing in front of a live audience?
Lisa Lampinelli:  No.  It all sucked my ass.  It’s lousy and it sucks and it’s hard, and I’d rather not do another one.  It’s a pain in the ass to write stuff, and pretty much, I’d rather do stand-up because I get to say “Cunt” a lot.  I mean, I got to say it in the book, too; but hey – stand-up has a much quicker pay-off. 

SS:  How do you handle hecklers?
LL:  I don’t have any.  I mean honestly, it’s so funny.  I didn’t ever get tons of them anyway, because I’m pretty likeable and nobody really wants to be an asshole to me; but the occasional one, I would just, like, bury.  You have to bury ‘em.  There’s just no question about it.  They can’t be left standing, because you know – you don’t want that to spread through the audience.  Audiences are like dogs – they sense fear, and if you don’t handle that guy quick, he’s gonna win. 

SS:  You’ve gotta be the Alpha.  Like Cesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer.
LL:  Exactly!  I’m like the Fag Whisperer.  I really am!  I rarely get heckled.  But if I do, it’s usually not a mean heckle, it’s never a “You suck!” or “You’re a racist!”– It’s “Bababooey” or “We love you!”  But, it’s still an interruption.  So, I still tell them to shut-the-F-up, and kinda handle ‘em nicer (‘cause they’re saying nice stuff).  So, I handle it with love, and if they continue, then they get to meet the door with the forehead!

SS:  Is any subject too taboo?
LL:  No.  Oh please.  I used to think that.  Here’s the subject you shouldn’t joke about: The one you can’t make funny; because if you can’t make it funny, why are you doing it in front of an audience?  So, you know, AIDS, race, cancer – all the fun stuff in life – it’s all comedy to me. 

SS:  Who would be your dream roastee?
LL:  It’s always got to be somebody with a sense of humor.  Everyone thinks they want to roast someone they hate, to get back at them, and it always bombs.  On Stern, we did a roast of Daniel Carver, the KKK guy.  You know, everyone hates everyone in the KKK (except the KKK).  So, it didn’t come off as “funny” because we all meant what we were saying to this asshole.    So, you really have to roast people you like, or else it bombs.  Like, I could never roast Oprah, ‘cause she annoys the crap outta me.  I could probably never roast that big-headed dyke-asaurus, Rosie O’Donnell, because she’s annoying.  So, it would have to be somebody cool.  I would really like a shot at Rickles, himself, but he’s gonna win in the end anyway, so die Jew, die!  God, when’s he gonna die, really?  83?  You wanna fucking get going and get in the coffin, or what? 

SS:  He just keeps going. He’s like a Timex. 
LL:   I know, right?

SS:  Who were your greatest comedy inspirations?
LL:  Well, my heroes, obviously, are Rickles and Stern.  I don’t really know if anybody inspires me.  I think all of us are inspired through our great self-hate that we have as comedians.  But I’m definitely fans of those guys.  And Rickles is probably one of the only one I’d pay to go see at this point.  Everyone else I’d just want comp tickets, but Rickles – I’d actually put money in his Jew-bastard pocket.

SS:  Did you ever get into Carl Reiner or Mel Brooks?
LL:  You know, I never did.  I acknowledge certain people as “greats” but I don’t really watch them and they didn’t really hit me.  I came-up more with This is Spinal Tap, which I watched about 50 times.  Or I’ll watch Will & Grace 30 times a day, even if I’ve seen that episode a bunch of times.  So that’s the kind of stuff I like.

I went to a Dean Martin Roast when I was a kid with my Dad.  Now I have every single one on tape – so now I need to go back and put them all on DVD.  You’ve gotta keep your old equipment.  I’ve still got my turntable.  I’m vinyl, Bitch!  Hell yeah!

Part Two of my interview with Lisa Lampanelli will appear as tomorrow’s post.  Log-on and read it, then!